Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A Broken Heart

Yesterday I did SO good!  I didn’t cheat at all, and I was really looking forward to my Lean and Green meal for the day.

So my friends and I went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner.  They have the BEST chicken salads!..and also the best rolls…Whenever I go there I usually let myself have one and then I try and stay strong, which is normally easy because oftentimes they don’t refill the basket.  Well, our waiter was awesome!  He kept the rolls coming.  I was doing so good, reminding myself how I had stayed on track the whole day and I didn’t want to derail. 

But I gave in.  I had one roll, and then another, and another, and the next thing I knew, I had had five or six rolls.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!

To those that don’t know, when you don’t eat carbs, and then you overindulge, it HURTS!  I kept thinking I should just try and throw it up so it would stop hurting…but that would be a waste of a meal.

When we got home, I kept joking with one of my friends that I just needed to throw up because it hurt so bad, and then I made a stupid comment, one that I regret.  One of my friends came into the conversation and asked why I wanted to throw up and I said something to the effect of “Because I had five rolls and I don’t want to gain weight!”

This comment, obviously, and instantly put people on edge.  One of my friends said that I was now on “throw up watch”, another said that I had just admitted to being bulimic.

This broke my heart.

I have worked SO hard to get to where I am, and a stupid comment put my friend’s minds, and mine, in a different mindset.

I have NEVER thrown up my food on purpose.  In fact, I throw up so rarely, that if I do, I’m probably pretty sick, or just watched a throw up video with my friends (Yes, this happens against my will).  I have NEVER starved myself to lose weight.  During this process the only way that I have lost my weight is through healthy means.

My heart breaks for those that are struggling with eating disorders.  I know exactly how they feel, and I will be fully honest in saying that, in the past, I have given A LOT of thought of taking my weight loss down that path because it seemed like the easiest way.

In a world that tells you you’re ugly unless you’re skinny, especially when you’re a teenager, it hurts.  It hurts so bad, it basically burns inside.  (Oh man!  I will never forget that pain, and so just typing this I can feel that burning.)  I grew up in a world that told me I was ugly, and would never date, and would never go anywhere because I was fat.  OF COURSE! I thought about having an eating disorder.   

I remember, when I was in junior high, bawling in the bathroom, sitting by the toilet, having an internal struggle.  Wanting SO badly to fit in, to not be bullied anymore, to just want to be seen as beautiful, not only on the inside, but on the outside too.  I wanted to give in!

…But I didn’t.  I’ve never given in to that little demon voice in my head, and I NEVER will.

There are multiple reasons as to why not: throw up is gross, I love food WAY too much, etc.  But the main why not is because of one simple phrase:

“I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father.  Who loves me, and I love Him.”

I know, corny right?  But, this “corny” phrase has gotten me though SO much!  Some of those things are realizing how beautiful I really am, that I am worth EVERYTHING this world has to offer, overcoming the temptations of taking the “easy way”, and fully realizing that our Heavenly Father puts things before us to help us grow and become better.

Because of that phrase, the burning pain that I’ve felt because I’m “ugly” and “fat” has been extinguished.  Because of that phrase, I have realized my potential.  Because of that phrase, I have received strength to overcome anything, even an eating disorder.

Again, my heart breaks for those that struggle with eating disorders.  I will never fully understand the pain they are feeling.  I just hope that they can find the help they need and the strength to overcome.  And I hope that if any of my friends are struggling with this that they know I will be there for them!

I’m grateful to my friends for always being there for me, even when I make stupid comments in jest.  I don’t know what I did to get such a wonderful support circle, but I’m one lucky girl.

And with that, I will take my 2 pounds (Yep! TWO pounds!) with a happy heart, and a lesson learned.  But those rolls were dang good!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Ridin' Dirty

Alright, I’m finally updating about the Dirty Dash.  I know you have all been just waiting with anticipation to hear how I did. Haha!

Well, I did it!  AND it was SO much fun!

I ran the race with three of my friends and I was so nervous because the three of them are a LOT more fit than I am.  I HATE the feeling of holding people back, so I think I was more nervous for the fact that I wouldn’t be able to run as much as them, but we would all be staying together…so I’d hold them back.  Hard to deal with.

I had high hopes of doing the 10k, but I only did the 5k…but let’s just say that I got owned right before the end of the 5k and I couldn’t go on. Haha  The Dirty Dash has fun obstacles in the mud and it’s more about having fun rather than running a race.  (I think I ran probably 5 minutes, if that!, the entire time.)
So we started off, and you have to run up this hill, not a very big one, but for someone who doesn’t run/kind of hates it because it’s hard to breath, it was a little terrifying.  Luckily there were probably 100+ people so we took it at a slow jog, just trying to get around people…and that’s about the only time that I ran…seriously!

The first obstacle were some mud pits and mud hills that you had to climb though and over.  I was warned before the race started by my friends that I would be tackled into the mud…so I skipped over these, thinking that it would save me.  (So na├»ve!)  The last hill that you had to climb over to get out of the pit looked pretty big so I decided to help my friends out…and of course they pulled me in…and I was no longer mud free.
There were tires, hay bales, marshes, all sorts of different things that you ran through, or jumped over.  But there was one obstacle that I was adamant on not doing: the wall.  You know?  The wall you see that people have to climb over and climb down.  I always associate it with boot camp and probably falling to your death…or a very severe concussion. 

Well, we came upon said wall, and I bid a “Have fun! And Good luck!” to my friends.  But as I was standing in line with them, I knew I had to do it.  So I did.  I got to the part where you had to boost yourself up to the top of the wall, which is about 6 inches wide, and I started to panic.  We were so high, and I didn’t have the confidence that I could do it, but I couldn’t give up.  All of my friends were there for me, willing to give me a hand or a boost…they really are the greatest!  After what felt like forever I boosted myself up and over and got down.  I was so scared and pumped that I was shaking, but I did it!  Side note: I didn’t do the second wall, though.  It was too scary looking. Haha

When you run in the mud with your best friends that are boys, you are more than likely going to get more covered in mud than you normally would…and I got COVERED!  I was tackled, pushed, had mud thrown and kicked at me…and I loved every moment.  The last obstacle we did was army crawling through mud (of course!) under some pipes.  After it, the mud was in wonderful condition for some wrestling, so I tried to tackle one of my friends.  I did pretty good, got him pretty covered, but then he destroyed me. Haha 

Proof we got each other pretty good!

I’m pretty sure he got about 30 pounds of mud on me, and then we had to hike up a hill.  It was SO hard!  At the top of the hill was the end of the 5k, and one of my friends said: “I’m SO proud of you for going this far, and if you want to quit now, none of us will think any less of you!” 

Those that know me, know that I’m a proud person.  If someone says I can’t do something, I have to prove to them that I can.  I have to make people proud.  I have to prove that I am strong.  But in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to not keep going. Haha  I was so grateful for these words.  I knew that I had proved a point, that I had gained some respect.  So, I did a 5k!

I ended up just waiting for the rest of them to finish the 10k (which I’m pretty sure they ran a ton of it) so we could all finish together.  We did a giant slip-and-slide and had a few more mud pits and hills, one final mud fight, and we crossed the finish line.

True, I barely ran.  I didn't do all the obstacles.  I didn't even do the whole 10k.

BUT!  I did a 5k!  It doesn't matter that I didn't run, I still did it!  I found strength inside me that I didn't know I had.

Before and After. :) Greatest time with great people!

Next year, I’ll run more.  But for now, I’m going to be proud of myself.

I am a rock star.  I am worth it.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Sayonara SEVENTY!

It's that time again!  I've lost another 10 pounds!  So that makes my weight loss 70 lbs down.  I've actually lost a little bit more but I'm just rounding down and I'll get to 80 faster. haha

Like I posted a few weeks ago, the changes are starting to become more and more recognizable.  I'm wearing a size of pant I don't think I've worn since junior high (maybe?) I bought a sweater last week that was a size smaller than the ones I bought last year...things are good!

I always like to kind of put things into perspective, since it's hard for me to see the changes sometimes, so here is what 70 pounds looks like: 

Kind of crazy!

Another update: I've started exercising!  And I actually like it!  I'm running the Dirty Dash in 2 weeks, so I've just started running on the treadmill to get up a little bit of endurance, and I made a goal to start yoga in September...I'll talk about that adventure a little later! haha  (Cliff hanger, right!? haha)

So here's to another 10 pounds down, and hopefully it doesn't take me as long as these 10.

Always remember that you are awesome and I appreciate you!  You're support and kind words keep me going, so from the bottom of my heart, I thank you! :)