A Broken Heart

Yesterday I did SO good!  I didn’t cheat at all, and I was really looking forward to my Lean and Green meal for the day.

So my friends and I went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner.  They have the BEST chicken salads!..and also the best rolls…Whenever I go there I usually let myself have one and then I try and stay strong, which is normally easy because oftentimes they don’t refill the basket.  Well, our waiter was awesome!  He kept the rolls coming.  I was doing so good, reminding myself how I had stayed on track the whole day and I didn’t want to derail. 

But I gave in.  I had one roll, and then another, and another, and the next thing I knew, I had had five or six rolls.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!

To those that don’t know, when you don’t eat carbs, and then you overindulge, it HURTS!  I kept thinking I should just try and throw it up so it would stop hurting…but that would be a waste of a meal.

When we got home, I kept joking with one of my friends that I just needed to throw up because it hurt so bad, and then I made a stupid comment, one that I regret.  One of my friends came into the conversation and asked why I wanted to throw up and I said something to the effect of “Because I had five rolls and I don’t want to gain weight!”

This comment, obviously, and instantly put people on edge.  One of my friends said that I was now on “throw up watch”, another said that I had just admitted to being bulimic.

This broke my heart.

I have worked SO hard to get to where I am, and a stupid comment put my friend’s minds, and mine, in a different mindset.

I have NEVER thrown up my food on purpose.  In fact, I throw up so rarely, that if I do, I’m probably pretty sick, or just watched a throw up video with my friends (Yes, this happens against my will).  I have NEVER starved myself to lose weight.  During this process the only way that I have lost my weight is through healthy means.

My heart breaks for those that are struggling with eating disorders.  I know exactly how they feel, and I will be fully honest in saying that, in the past, I have given A LOT of thought of taking my weight loss down that path because it seemed like the easiest way.

In a world that tells you you’re ugly unless you’re skinny, especially when you’re a teenager, it hurts.  It hurts so bad, it basically burns inside.  (Oh man!  I will never forget that pain, and so just typing this I can feel that burning.)  I grew up in a world that told me I was ugly, and would never date, and would never go anywhere because I was fat.  OF COURSE! I thought about having an eating disorder.   

I remember, when I was in junior high, bawling in the bathroom, sitting by the toilet, having an internal struggle.  Wanting SO badly to fit in, to not be bullied anymore, to just want to be seen as beautiful, not only on the inside, but on the outside too.  I wanted to give in!

…But I didn’t.  I’ve never given in to that little demon voice in my head, and I NEVER will.

There are multiple reasons as to why not: throw up is gross, I love food WAY too much, etc.  But the main why not is because of one simple phrase:

“I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father.  Who loves me, and I love Him.”

I know, corny right?  But, this “corny” phrase has gotten me though SO much!  Some of those things are realizing how beautiful I really am, that I am worth EVERYTHING this world has to offer, overcoming the temptations of taking the “easy way”, and fully realizing that our Heavenly Father puts things before us to help us grow and become better.

Because of that phrase, the burning pain that I’ve felt because I’m “ugly” and “fat” has been extinguished.  Because of that phrase, I have realized my potential.  Because of that phrase, I have received strength to overcome anything, even an eating disorder.

Again, my heart breaks for those that struggle with eating disorders.  I will never fully understand the pain they are feeling.  I just hope that they can find the help they need and the strength to overcome.  And I hope that if any of my friends are struggling with this that they know I will be there for them!

I’m grateful to my friends for always being there for me, even when I make stupid comments in jest.  I don’t know what I did to get such a wonderful support circle, but I’m one lucky girl.

And with that, I will take my 2 pounds (Yep! TWO pounds!) with a happy heart, and a lesson learned.  But those rolls were dang good!